Things Worth Knowing
1. Always carry cash. Whenever I go to brunch wif my friendz, everybody pulls out 3,000 of their finest credit cards and chucks them at the table. Somebody will figure it out, we all battle cry. Then we burp at the check, stare at each other while blinking, and see if we can stiff each other a dollar on the tip. Oh we forgot TAX! Later on, I get stuck at some bar with a 30 dollar card minimum and have to get 46 rum and cokes and start dry humping everybody to NeYo because I forget to carry a 20. Or I sort of want to pay a cab to take me home because I am wearing 8 inch heels with blisters the size of the dough bubbles on pizza crust. Where is my cash? Why is it in this little plastic card? We should all solve our problems, go to a bank, and take out forty bucks. Be a responsible adult! Blow your money in paper form!
2. Listen to your goddamn gut. It knows what it is doing, and it’s usually right. If you’re too stubborn to realize your instincts are your greatest ally, listen to your momma or your best friend. Don’t listen to your insecurities, your fears, or your blind optimism.
3. Wait for it. Wait for somebody who is perfect for you. I don’t care how long you’ve been alone, or how easy it is to make excuses for somebody who makes you feel bad. I don’t care if it’s because you kind of like them, and I don’t care if you think it ‘could maybe work out.’ Wait for somebody who is good to you. It doesn’t matter if they make you giggle laugh, because if they give you that empty ‘i’m not hungry’ feeling in your stomach when they forget to call, they are not fucking worth it. They are never worth your bathroom tears or your constant ‘what do you think it means’ barrage to your friends. You are worth it. You are stupidly cool/sometimes lame but you have a human pulse and you don’t kill people and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this person will take forever, maybe it will take till next week. Who knows when they will get their lazy ass off the couch and come find you? However, until then, don’t put up with bullshit. Don’t put up with the bad feelings. Just go do your own thing until somebody fits your puzzle piece. It’ll be something for the books. Don’t fucking settle for anything less.
4. Stop texting and call them.
5. Stop being so cynical. Smile on the subway, or when you’re walking down the street, or when you are on the line at the supermarket. Be happy. Try to look forward to something. Usually I walk around with a frowny fuck face because I can’t be bothered with anybody, but on certain occasions I walk around with a crazy shit grin on my face because it makes me feel good and nice. Smiling makes you feel okay. Try to do it as often as you can, and try to make yourself feel like what you’re doing is exactly what you want to do at the time. Listen, I usually say boring expected stuff for a girl with glasses, such as: I hate people and Everything fucking sucks. Still, every once and a while I need to feel idiotically happy and optimistic. I need to feel as if Cinderella birds are making my bed and I am pretty and floating on cotton candy air. Because you simply can’t be pissed off all the fucking time. It’s just not healthy for you.
6. Turn off your computer for a fucking second.
7. Be grateful for what you have. I have friends. I have friends who I want to sit on every roof in the world and just talk with, I have a pretty cool pair of shorts, and adorable Corgis exist in the world. I usually just sit around and whine for all the things I don’t have, or all the things I could have, and I eventually overshadow all the great wonderful I have going on. Like hummus! Hummus is so good! And so what if I have a couple of ingrown hairs? Or some shitbag I can’t text on the reg? There’s just way more things I could be whining about, like drinking wine.
8. Eat till you’re full. Eat when you’re hungry.
9. Love being with yourself. Get to know you and sort of like it. Try not to surround yourself with people all the time. Have inside jokes with yourself, or tv shows you only like watching by yourself. Get to know all of the things you enjoy, all the things you hate, and keep those for future reference.
10. Your past is for learning. Your future has nothing to do with your past mistakes, except for the things you learn and know and try not to carry too heavily.
11. Everybody’s got their own shit. You’re never alone.
12. Read more books.
13. Give more compliments.
14. Dance like an idiot when it is appropriate.
15. Wash your hands when you get home, or just generally wash your hands.
16. Read the news.
17. Say what you mean as often as possible.
18. Realize you have only one tiny life to live, and you should just do things you are scared of and things you love and things that just make you feel good.
19. Laugh at everything. Seriously, just fucking laugh a lot and as much as possible.
20. Oh, and eat your veggies, say ‘I love you’ and brake for squirrels.
THIS. Every word of this.
